I Want to be ME!

Standing at the kitchen counter, slicing carrots and onion, my mind was racing. I WANT TO BE ME!

I want to write, read, study. I want to design, play with color, sew and create. I want to travel, participate in conversations about writers, how-to write and quilt imagery. I want to ...my head screamed in escalating tones. Never a volume leaked to the spouse or the neighbor, but my heart screamed I WANT TO BE ME! My voice felt cracked in my throat. My eyes swelled with tears. I want to be ME!

Since 7 a.m. I had prepared oatmeal and fruit, ironed, made business calls, discussed politics (from opposite sides), pre-planned up-coming events, answered the phone again and again, cleaned bathrooms and now, lunch--there was no time for ME. I counted backward and I could not recall a ME window. We had scurried through December with "have to do's"; the fall months had deadline after deadline of travel and work obligations.

Julia Cameron in Artist's Way admonishes "hold to your time for reading and writing; 3 pages a day, everyday." I didn't come close to that goal. Grief and selfishmess filled my heart. ...and at the moment, I had totally forgotten Phillipians 2:14 "...do not grumble."

WAIT my mind suddenly said. I AM ME. I am playing the roll I agreed to take. I'm in the early winter of my life and I've driven down countless roads. I choose a career and took the classes, the exams and found the job. I chose the mate, took the oath and made the marriage. I chose to have a baby and raised a beautiful daughter. I worked like a slave to provide money for her education and marriage. Yes, I (ME) agreed to life changes (both good and bad) in all of my days. I sweated the unpleasantness of job transitions and moves to strange towns, fussy days, illness and shortness of money. I and the "ME in I" found a way by relying on God, spouse (or lack of), intuition, rolled up sleeves and family and friends. Each day....one day at a time....has found a way. I've always been ME...wearing multiple hats in multiple ME'S.

The role of ME is the role that cooks, pays the bills, washes and irons, talks and listens, prays, hurts, cries, hopes, wishes, rests, wants to rest, begs for peacefulness and wants to run away--to be the "alternate" ME.

The alternate ME I'm wanting must fit in around the edges. It is the side of ME that I'm begging to hold. Struggling to claim that person I decided to approach each day with two lists--the ME list including routines and responsibilities, and the ME "alternate" or creative list. At least one alternate ME thing a day must find an entry next to the chore list. At least one page or one window of stitching; maybe one chapter. Five days into running; so far it is working. 

 In reading I found Norman Mailer says it best,

"If you tell yourself you are going to be at your desk tomorrow, you are by that declaration asking your unconscious to prepare the material. You are in effect, contracting to pick up such valuables at a given time. Count on me...you are saying to a few forces below: "I will be there to write." 

And so, regrouping the emotions, I decided to put puddy in the ME openings.. I'll continue to cut the carrots, make the business calls, do the errands and be to others.  BUT the openings about ME will visit my grandchildren, write and sew several times a week, enter contests, read to my hearts content and give time to God's word--to really seek his counsel.  The alternate ME is coming in...it's only January and I'm making a promise...to ME. 

I'm hoping to hear....HOW DO YOU MAKE TIME FOR YOUR "ME?"

SOME OF THE ME'S THAT MAKE ME WHOLE:

Baby Kate that loves books as much as I ..."re a bo?"

FRIENDS that I depend on...heart and soul---talented Michelle Watts and ME.

Study in workshops, internet, books....for ME

and endless more ME's: my hubby, daughter and sister, my first grandson that has grown up MUCH to fast, my community, neighbor and history friends, and the strength of the sunrise and the sunset. I am blessed. Thanks, dear God, for helping all of us to multi-task and still find the ME.

Until next time,

best,

alice--and,

Scripture to remember: Philippians 2:14 Do all things without murmurings and disputings. KJ version

Do everything without complaining or arguing. NIV version